When History Repeats Itself
by Kelley and Shelley
Summary: Dawn's turning sixteen. Unfortunately, everyone is stuck in a Season Six badfic. Angel wears leather pants and the gang plays an exciting game of hide and seek. Will everyone survive with their sanity? Did they have it in the first place?
1. In the Beginning

_When History Repeats Itself_ By Kelley and Shelley 

**Summary:**  What's the best way to celebrate Dawn's sixteenth birthday?  Well, we've got a few ideas.  Let's see.  Hmmm…take Buffy's twenty first birthday, add a few morons, and what do you get?  A recipe for disaster.  Shaken, not stirred.

**A/N:**  We live!  Yes, we are alive and well.  Okay, at least physically.  We know we haven't written/spoken/breathed on the Internet for a couple of years now.  Yes, years.  Sorry.  Life after college is insane like that.  This is a badfic.  We kinda realize that period in fan fiction is somewhat over with now, but we started writing this story two years ago.  And we like it.  So we're going to share.  Occurs during some misplaced time warp after/during Season Six.  Anyway, read.  Enjoy!  If you concentrate hard enough, you'll see a pattern.  To us it's pretty obvious.  But again, you may not be able to see the sailboat in the Magic Eye picture.  But then again, we never could to begin with.

**A/N:  **If you like this, let us know.  If you don't, please don't flame us because honestly, what's the point?

**Rating:**  R for strong language, penguins, lesbian shadow puppets, kicking of corpses, penguins, and sex.  Lots and lots of sex.  Not graphically described, but you know what's going on.  Oh yes, you know.  And did we mention the penguins?

Chapter 1 

Tara walked with a bounce in her step to Dawn's Sweet Sixteen birthday party.  She hoped that the gift she'd bought wouldn't offend the vaguely Christian heterosexual, for the most part sensibilities of the group, both alive and undead.  She stopped and looked around curiously.  She thought she heard the pitter-patter of little feet, but she didn't see anything.  With a shrug, she put her foot on the first step.

Suddenly the pitter-patter turned into a deafening roar of large pitter-patters.  There were even a few thumps in there.  Tara spun around and let out a shriek that wouldn't even frighten a mouse.  Her life flashed before her eyes and then she was gone.  Not invisible Buffy "Gone" (which was a really good episode), but gone in the "I just died" sense.  Literally.  Rigor mortis was setting in fast so we'd better get on with the story.  She's going to start to stink soon.  With evil little cackles of delight, her murderers drug her into the bushes in front of the Summers' residence porch.

Inside, the party was in full swing.  Dawn was sitting on the couch eagerly waiting for her presents.  Willow was entertaining herself by making lesbian shadow puppets.  Janice watched the show in fascination.  Xander and Anya weren't really doing anything, but they were in the room so we thought we'd mention them.  No, really.  They weren't doing anything.  They were just staring off into space.  Spike and Buffy were having sex on the kitchen counter.  But everyone was oblivious to that, despite the fact that Buffy was handcuffed to the sink's faucet.

Suddenly Willow, who doesn't do anything besides sit around (it's not like Buffy's having money problems or anything), decided she needed to change out of her flannel lesbianesque pajamas.

"Hey, Wills, where are you off to?" Xander asked the Sapphic ex-witch.

"Just changing.  Clothes only though.  Not my sexual preference.  I'm gay and I'm staying that way."

"I think I read that in a Hallmark card once," Janice remarked and started making her own shadow puppet.  She couldn't quite get the hang of page forty-three of the Kama Sutra.  Then again, she had really short fingers.

"Hey, Dawnie.  Come help me find an outfit," Willow said.

Dawn jumped off the couch.  "Okay," she said eagerly.  She followed Willow up the stairs.  But not in a gay way.

When they got to the room, Dawn flopped down on Willow's bed, but still not in a gay way.  She was saving herself for her one true love (who we'll be meeting later in this story.  Yay!).  Willow opened her closet and frowned.

"Oh Goddess!  Why?  Why?!"

"Why what?" Dawn asked.

"Why don't I wear any jeans, t-shirts, or anything without lace?"

"At least you're not wearing pink," Dawn said, trying to look on the bright side, for once.

"No, it's still there too, but it's not lace, so some force won't let me wear it.  Why can't I wear overalls for once?"

Dawn shrugged.  "I dunno.  The Goddess doesn't will it?"

"Any why do I still say Goddess?  I pulled Buffy from heeea-ven, a part of the monotheistic tradition, yet I still refer to the supreme deity in pagan terms.  Not that there's anything wrong with that, but where's the continuity?  Shouldn't I at least be confused?  I used to be Jewish, after all.  Then I'm Wiccan.  Then I ripped Buffy out of heeea-ven.  Is there one God…"

"Willow," Dawn interrupted.  "Weren't you about to do something drastic?"

"Oh yeah," Willow realized.

"You want me to try to stop you?"

"Nah."

"Shouldn't I put up at least a token resistance?"

Willow thought it over.  "Since you used a big word, sure why not."

"Willow, don't do it.  Think of the baby."

"What?" Willow interrupted.  "Hello!  Gay now!"

"Sorry.  Well, I tried.  I'll just leave now.  If I stop you, this story will have even less plot than it does.  Good luck and all."

She suddenly heard a loud thump.  It sounded like it came from the kitchen.  Funny, she didn't even know anyone was in the kitchen.  They must be getting ready to serve food.

"See you later, Willow," she called as she closed the door.

When she got downstairs, she noticed that Clem and Sophie were now sitting on the couch.

"Hey, when did you guys get here?"

"A few minutes ago," Sophie answered.  "So, you want to open your presents?  I'd suggest we eat, but I don't think you having anything I'm not allergic to."

"We brought alcohol," Clem cut in.  "Happy Birthday, Dawn!"

"I'm only sixteen, not twenty-one."

"There's a difference?" Clem asked.  "But you're taller than Buffy, and not nearly as sickly looking.  Where is Buffy anyway?"

"I think she's patrolling," Dawn answered.  "Anyone want some food?"

"I wouldn't go in the kitchen if I were you," Xander said before he once again stared off into space.

"Uh, ok."  Suddenly there was a knock at the door.  "Get out get out GET OUT!" Dawn screeched.  The knocking persisted.  "I'll get it," Dawn said chirpily with a flourish and a flip of her hair.  She opened the door, immediately asking "What the hell do you want?"  She knew better than to say "Come in" and actually being pleasant when opening the door was for sissies.

A box hit her on the forehead and she caught it reflexively as it fell.  "You could have at least put a bow on it," she grumbled as she opened it. 

Inside was a gaudy gold cross.  "What the heck is this for?"

"Let's just say it's from a friend."

"Huh?" Dawn asked.

"I didn't say I was your friend."

"Angel, what kind of crack are you smoking?"  Dawn demanded, glaring at the soulful vampire.  "Get in this house before I kick your ass."

Angel lumbered inside.  Dawn pinched his ass as he went by.  Angel squeaked like a girl.

"Did you know there's a body in the bushes?" Angel asked as he entered the living room.

"Well, it IS the hellmouth," Buffy explained, also entering the living room, rubbing her wrists absently.  Spike followed close behind her, adoration in his eyes.

"But Buffy, what if it's someone we know?" Anya asked.

Buffy thought for a moment, but stopped as steam started coming out of her ears.  "I guess we should go look.  Dawn, Janice, you two stay here.  You're too young to see putrid, mutilated corpses in various states of decay."

"Can I stay with them?" Angel asked.

"No.  You have to come and brood over the loss of life.  No one else will.  Except for Spike maybe, because he has a chip in his head so that I can be provided a sex toy."

Of course, no one commented on this line, because they're all still oblivious.

"But I'm scared," Angel argued.

"No you're not.  You're just horny," Anya clarified for him.

"Oh," Angel shrugged.  "Well, then let's go."

They troupe of intrepid heroes trekked to the bushes bravely (not so much as they were all pretty horny by now).  When they reached the bushes, they all gasped in shock or maybe it was just the smell.

"Tara!" Spike cried.  "Now I'll never get to have that threesome with her and Red."

"Spike!" Buffy yelled accentuated with a punch to the nose.  "You're an evil, disgusting thing!"

"But I love you, Buffy!" Spike cried.  Everyone heard that, but chose to ignore it.  They heard it all the time, after all.

"You're beneath me!  You're evil!  You don't have a soul!  You can't love!"

Spike didn't say anything else, just wordlessly handed her back her underwear from their earlier tryst.  She snatched the underwear from him with a glare, hoping no one noticed the exchange.  They didn't.

"What do you think killed her?" Clem asked.

"Vampires," Angel answered immediately.

"Zombies," Buffy offered.

"Really big demons," Spike said, putting his two cents in.

"I don't know," Xander said.  "Looks like assassination by penguins to me."

"Penguins?" Buffy shouted disbelievingly.

"Yeah, just look at the tracks," Xander tried to explain.

"Penguins?" Angel exclaimed doubtfully.

"What else could make that kind of beak marks in human flesh?" Xander reasoned.

"Penguins?" Spike asked incredulously.

"YES!  PENGUINS!" Xander snapped.  "Can't you people listen?"

"But why would penguins do such a thing?" Anya asked.  "It seems more like the status quo of a bunny attack."

"I know, Anya, but you have to look at the evidence."

"What evidence?" Buffy shrieked.

Xander sighed.  "The tracks?  The beak marks?  Oh, and the bloody beaked penguin that just waddled out of the bush."

The group turned to see that penguin as he flipped them off (something very hard to do without fingers) and waddled away.


	2. Angsty Face!

_When History Repeats Itself_ By Kelley and Shelley 

**Summary:**  Dawn has finally reached that important milestone in her life.  Angel goes back to his roots and also wears leather pants.  Buffy has more sex.  Xander accidentally toys with magic.  It's kind of a thing.  We're not sure if it's a funny thing yet.

**A/N:**  Yay!  Another chapter.  A very long chapter.  We laughed while we wrote it, but we're on crack.  Enjoy!  Oh yeah, Kelley's gonna be on a cruise next week!  Woohoo!

**A/N:  **Please send us reviews.  We like it.  Just no flames because flames are just another way of trying to censor a person and censorship is bad.  Mmmkay?

**Disclaimer:**  If we don't tell you that Buffy belongs to Joss, rabid, hairy, kilted rugby players will chase us down the streets of Owensboro.  And we don't want that.  So Joss owns the show.  And we own nothing.  Really.  Our apartment is bare.  With the exception of a few writing utensils and an old school computer, and Shelley's lunchbox.

**Rating:**  R, for Sophie's potty mouth. 

Chapter 2 

"Aaah!" cried Angel.

Everyone turned to look at the soulful vampire who had just screamed out before everyone looked at him.

"What's your bloody problem, Peaches?" Spike, Angel's bleached blonde, British, well toned, way sexy, smart-ass, lovesick grand childe asked in a mean way.

"Connor loved penguins!" Angel sobbed.  "Or at least I think he would have had he not been pulled into some god-awful hell dimension and brought back as an angry sixteen-year-old with a vendetta against me and a big gun.  He doesn't even have my hair fashion sense!"  Angel babbled on and on like Willow tends to do (or at least did a lot of in the first few seasons) and wasn't really making sense to anyone.

"Why would anyone do something so vile?" Anya questioned to anyone who might actually be listening.

"Holtz wanted to get revenge on me for killing his family when I was Angelus so he took my son."

"Dead Boy has a son?" Xander asked.

"I'm talking about the vicious penguin attack on Tara, honey," Anya chided.

Buffy sniffed.  "But why?  Why?  How could they do this to me?"

"Uh, Buff?"

"Couldn't they have left her body in someone else's front yard?"  Once again, Buffy had devised a way to make the problem All About Her.  "My life is just so difficult.  I'm thrown into a destiny I don't want.  My parents thought I was crazy and threw me into a mental institution.  It had nothing to do with the fact I looked like a stick figure and never ate anything but lollipops."

"So that's why you're so good at sucking," Spike realized.

Buffy turned to glare at Spike in a pouty and kind of constipated way, never noticing the fact that someone actually snickered at the remark.

"Don't make me stake you, Spike, because I'd enjoy it thoroughly."

Spike's eyes widened and his lip trembled slightly.  "But, Buffy, I love you!"

"You're beneath me!  You're evil!  You don't have a soul!  You can't love!"

"Whoa, déjà vu," Xander commented.  "Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm kind of hungry."

He reentered the house, quickly followed by the others leaving poor Tara to decompose in the bushes.  They figured it would save money on compost fertilizer.  Buffy spotted Dawn on the couch trying to help Janice with her shadow puppet.

"It's impossible!" Janice exclaimed.  "There's no way humanly possible fingers can bend that far."

Buffy mentally steeled herself for the horrible news she had to bestow on her used to be shiny light now shiny-haired little sister.

"Dawn," she said somberly, tears already filling her eyes.

Dawn looked up to see everyone wearing solemn, yet confused expressions.  "Oh, God.  Who died now?" she asked.

Buffy rushed to Dawn's side grasping both her hands and sitting down beside her.  "Now, Dawn.  You know I've tried as best as I can to shield you from all the violence, carnage, bloodshed, and overall ickiness from my duties as a Slayer."

"Doesn't stop me from getting kidnapped every other week," Dawn mumbled.

"But sometimes, bad things happen to good people."

"What happened?" Dawn asked anxiously.

"Angel's son was thrown into a Hell dimension and has come back as a bad ass sixteen-year-old," Anya interjected.

"Really?"  Dawn's spirits lifted considerably.

"Yes," Anya assured her.  "He sounds very sexy."

"No, that's not the bad news I was talking about!" Buffy yelled.  "Dawn, you need to listen to me."

Dawn sighed and made a mental note to relapse back into kleptomania later and steal a car for a trip to L.A.

"Oh," Buffy groaned.  "I don't know how to break this earth-shattering news to you.  I have to preserve your child-like innocence, even though you've been kidnapped, tied up, terrorized, and nearly sacrificed.  You need to be protected.  You saw me do a swan dive into a brick pile, but you have to be sheltered!  This news may warp your fragile psyche, causing all kinds of long-lasting mental anguish."

"Buffy, for the love of God, tell me what the HELL you're talking about before I rip your friggin' head off!" Dawn shouted.

Buffy began to blubber.  "Tara…was killed sometime today."

"Tara!" Dawn cried.  "Now I'll never get to have that threesome with her and Willow!"

She and Spike shared a look and a high five.

Angel pushed Janice off the couch and sat down on the other side of Dawn.

"Now I know this is a hard time for you, Dawn."  Angel grabbed Dawn by the shoulders and spun her around.  He gazed at her with soul-filled, mournful, angst-ridden, compassionate, haunted eyes the color of Irish whiskey, or shit depending on which side of the potato field you lived on.  "Just remember, no matter what happens…" He paused melodramatically.  "I'll be here for you."

Angel leaned in and kissed Dawn on the cheek.  Xander made gagging noises in the background.  Anya shushed him.

Dawn pulled away from Angel when he began to growl.  "Ewww!" she squeaked.

"Yes, Dawn."  Pause for dramatic effect.  "I'm a vampire."

"I know, you freak!" Dawn told him.  "But that doesn't excuse you from brushing.  Blood breath, yuck!"

"I'm sorry, I haven't brushed my teeth since Connor was taken away.  Now he's back as a sixteen year old, and he hates me and wants to kill me," Angel explained.  "Did I mention he wants to kill me?"

"Shouldn't we do something with the body?" Anya asked.

"We need to call the police so they can come and take it to the morgue," Xander replied.

Angel sighed a troubled sigh.  He looked at Dawn and tilted his soulful head (not so much) as one angsty tear rolled down his horribly depressed cheek.

Dawn raised an eyebrow.  "Is there something in your eye, Angel?"

Angel closed his eyes and shook his head.  He grabbed Dawn's hands.  "Now listen to me, Dawn.  I have to do this.  I'm the only one who can since you have to stay in school and have a way better life than your sister since she's the slayer and all."

Dawn scowled in confusion.  "Right.  Okay.  What are we talking about again?"

Angel grabbed Dawn's chin to get her to listen.  "Listen to me, Dawn!  This is up to me.  I'm Champion for the Powers That Be.  First, we need to dismember Tara's body, then place her parts in different boxes.  Then I must travel in the darkest part of a boat possible and visit various parts of the world.  I'll bury her pieces all over the place so no one can reassemble her body and try to bring about the end of humankind altogether."

A grave silence filled the room as everyone gaped at the vampire with a soul.  Angel had obviously confused Tara with the judge who was a gigantic, ugly blue guy that wanted to get rid of humanity altogether.

Spike rolled his eyes so hard they almost got stuck at the top of his head.  He blinked a few times.  "Peaches, you stupid git.  You've obviously confused Tara with the Judge who was a gigantic, ugly blue guy that wanted to get rid of humanity altogether.  Tara is neither big nor blue and she is definitely not mean."

Everyone in the room let out a sigh of relief. 

Suddenly Halfrek appeared.  "Did you know there is a dead body out in the bushes?"

"Yes," everyone replied monotonously.

"HAAALLLLLLLIIIEEEE!" Anya squealed at a dangerously high pitch.

"Get out get out GET OUT!" Dawn squealed at an even higher pitch.

"Okay, I'll go," Clem replied.

"No!  You can't leave," Dawn cried.

"We can't leave the house?"  Buffy panicked.  "We're stuck in here again?!?"

"We can't leave?" Dawn asked, but everyone ignored her.

Suddenly the guests were in an uproar.  Buffy immediately began to apologize profusely to Dawn for not paying attention to her, totally ignoring Dawn trying to tell her they weren't actually stuck in the house.  Anya immediately became paranoid and started frantically searching the house while stripping off her clothing.  Spike pulled Buffy into the nearest closet.  This called for sex.  Repeatedly.  In many different positions.  Janice tried to join them in said closet, but Buffy kicked her out shouting, "Get your own sex toy, bitch!"

"But I love you, Buffy!" Spike exclaimed.

"You're beneath me!  You're evil.  You don't have a soul.  You can't love!" Buffy cried.  She stomped her boot clad foot.  "Now make me feel, goddammit!"

Outside the closet, Halfrek paused thoughtfully.  "Hmm.  You're beneath me.  That sounds vaguely familiar."  She opened the door, catching Buffy and Spike mid-shag.

"Sorry, I didn't meant to interrupt," Halfrek apologized.  She looked at Spike.  "Do I know you from somewhere, William?"

Spike stopped nibbling on Buffy's ear.  "I dunno."  He looked at her for a few moments.  Suddenly recognition crept into his face.  He let go of Buffy.  She slid down the wall to the floor with a thud.  "Oh, God!  No…it's not possible.  You're…but it can't be.  She died a long time ago.  But…are you that gypsy girl that Angelus killed?  The one he killed right before his got his soul back?"

"No," Angel replied, also entering the closet.  How big was this closet anyway?  He gave Halfrek a once-over.  "The gypsy girl's hair was longer."

"Angel, get your poncy arse out of here!" Spike yelled.  "I'm trying to have sex at the moment!"  He scowled.  "Bloody poofter."

"Ahh, sex," Angel remembered fondly.  He hadn't had sex in…wait a second!  He'd slept with Darla less than a year ago.  And he hadn't lost his soul.  "Hey, where's Dawn?" he asked.

Buffy wordlessly pointed toward the couch before slamming Spike into a wall and continuing their shagfest.  Angel treaded toward the couch.  Halfrek gave Spike's abs one last appreciative glance before leaving as well, closing the closet door behind her.

"Hey," Angel greeted as he sat back down beside Dawn.

"Hi yourself," Dawn answered uncertainly.  Oh God, what was he up to now?

"Are you a necrophiliac?" he asked.

Dawn just stared at him blankly.  He sighed.  Maybe he needed to try a different approach.

"Say, do you have any Irish in you?"

Dawn shook her head.  "No, why?"

Angel smiled.  "Would you like some?"

"Angel, why are you hitting on me?" Dawn asked.

Angel put the back of his hand to his forehead.  "I'm sorry, Dawn.  This whole mess with Connor screwed me up.  And Cordelia's with Groo.  Wesley betrayed me, and Fred and Gunn are disgustingly happy.  AND I can't get rid of the DAMNED PENTAGRAM in the lobby!"

Dawn placed a comforting hand on Angel's shoulder.  "There, there, Angel.  Have you tried bleach?  Or maybe a really big throw rug?  You never know when you'll need a pentagram again."

Angel smiled thankfully at the girl with blindingly shiny hair.  He squeezed her knee and sighed.  Then he looked back at her, grinning.  "Nice shoes.  Wanna fuck?"

"Eew!  You've slept with my sister.  How do I know you won't give me something icky?"

"Vampires don't carry STD's," he informed her.

"Yeah, and they can't have children either," Dawn retorted.

"But Spike's getting some and I'm not!" Angel whined.  "It's not fair!"

"Getting some what?" Dawn asked cluelessly.

Angel sighed.  He'd forgotten that everyone was oblivious to the fact that Buffy and Spike were having wild monkey sex this very moment.  "Never mind."  He then switched to his broody, angsty persona.

"Dawn, I love you."

Dawn smiled thoughtfully.  Did she want to have sex?  Everyone else seemed to be doing it and no one ever decided to tell her that she needed to wait until she was older, more matured, married, or at least dating someone before engaging in sexual intercourse.  Of course, Buffy wasn't dating Parker before he screwed her into the mattress.  And Willow and Tara really enjoyed doing spells.  And Janice…well Janice screwed anything that moved, but that was beside the point.  All right, let's look at this rationally like Anya taught her.  Is he sexy?  Yes.  Am I horny?  I'm a teenager, or course I am.  Now, for the big question.  Is he my one true love?

…Well, he was Buffy's one true love, and technically I'm part of Buffy, so…

"Okay, sure.  Let's go upstairs and have sex.  I don't think anyone will miss us."

Twenty minutes later… 

Dawn slid down the banister singing the author's favorites (and very appropriate) song by Poe.  Bonus points if you can guess it.

"Oh yeah!  No more virgin sacrifices for me!"  She broke out into the Snoopy Dance.  Anya, being the sexually perceptive woman she is caught on to Dawn's not so subtle celebration's reason very quickly.

"Oh my God!  You've had sex!" Anya exclaimed.

At the mention of sex, Spike and Buffy came out of the closet.  Everyone else cringed at the pun.  "What?  Sex?  Dawn, you had sex?"

Buffy attacked Xander.

"What?  I didn't do anything!"

Suddenly a loud clap of thunder sounded along with a tortured scream of anguish.  "Noooo!"

"Oh, that must be Angel," Dawn commented.  He's evil now.  I'd suggest weapons."

You gave Angel a moment of true happiness?" Buffy asked in disbelief.  That was her job, dammit.

Dawn smirked.  "I gave him several."

Buffy's eyes widened.  "Several?"

"Oh yeah.  I showed him things he's never seen," Dawn crowed.

"You showed him his dick?" Spike exclaimed.  He and Xander started laughing and exchanged a high five.

"Spike!  How dare you say that!  You're supposed to be on the road to redemption!"

Spike did a double take.  "Road to redemption?  What the hell is she talking about?"

"Next thing you know, she'll be buying you hair gel.  Run while you still can," Xander warned.

Everyone stopped and looked around when they heard a funny squeaky sound.  When they figured out it was coming down the stairs, they looked to the stairs.

"Well, well, well," Angelus chuckled as everyone observed his leather pants and hair that managed to stick even farther up than usual.

"Oh my gosh!" Anya cried.  "Those pants are great!  How much did you pay for them?"

Angelus stopped and thought for a second.  "Thanks!  I bought them at the leather store.  I actually negotiated for a lesser price.  I bought my duster there too."

"You stupid git!  You're a bloody vampire!  You don't pay!  You steal!"

"Where did you get your duster, Spike?" Anya asked.

"I stole if off the dead body of the Slayer I killed in 1977."

"Spike, you're a pig," Buffy spat.

"Excuse me," Angelus said in a commanding voice because everyone had stopped paying attention to him.  "Soulless vampire speaking here.  Very evil soulless vampire I might add."

"Yeah, what of it, Peaches?" Spike asked

"Well, I'm going to kill all of you."

"Oh, in that case…" Spike said.

Everyone stood around not sure what to do because they were morons who had forgotten just how evil Angelus really is.

Angelus rolled his eyes.  "Run."

"Why?" Anya asked since she'd never witnessed Evil Angel before.

"Because I'M EVIL!"

"How evil are you?" Anya asked once again.

Xander grabbed Anya's arm when Angelus started growling.  "Now is not the time for questions."  He ran towards the weapons chest with Anya in tow.  Dawn followed closely behind, crying.

Angelus sighed.  "I'm going to close my eyes and count to ten.  When I'm not looking, run and hide.  Got it?"

"Oh, a game!" Janice squealed with delight.

Angel turned around and started counting.  Buffy, Spike, Clem, Sophie and Halfrek all went to the weapon's chest.

"Where are you guys going?" Janice called.  "Well, I've got the closet," she yelled when no one answered her.  She then proceeded to slam the door shut.  Janice obviously never learned to play hide and seek when she was a child.

The rest of the group each grabbed a weapon.  Dawn continued to blubber.  Everyone ignored her.  They just handed her a stake.

"TEN!" Angelus yelled.

Everyone ran back out, weapons in hand.  Just ask they got out there, Angelus opened the door and dragged Janice out of the closet.  The gang gasped.

Janice's eyes widened when she looked up at the now-soulless vampire who was vamped out.  "What's wrong with your face?  Is it always like that?  Was it like that before?  I don't remember it looking like that."  Angelus rolled his eyes and placed one hand on the back of Janice's head and the other under her chin.  "And what's with the attitude change?  I don't remember you wearing leather pants before."

Angelus growled and prepared to snap Janice's neck.

"Ahem!" Anya cleared her throat loudly.  "Could you not kill her in front of little Dawnie here?"

"Oh…sorry," Angelus mumbled.  He dragged Janice into the kitchen.  "Is this better?" he yelled.

"Aren't you going to stop him, Buffy?" Xander asked.

"Yes, Evil Angel!" Anya called.

Suddenly everyone heard a loud popping noise and a thud as Janice's lifeless body hit the floor.

"Oops," Buffy said innocently.

Angelus came out of the kitchen rubbing his hands together.  "Well, that was fun."

"Wow, he really is evil," Anya commented.

"That was really traumatizing," Dawn whispered.

Everyone else felt like big dumbasses for not doing anything to stop the senseless (not so much) taking of an innocent (not so much, again) life.

"All right.  Who's next?" Angelus asked.

Dawn whimpered.

"How about you, Xander?" Angelus questioned.

"Nah, I'm not really in the mood right now," Xander replied.  "Besides, aren't you fixated on Dawn right now?"

"Oh, yeah.  That's right.  Thanks man."

Dawn shot a glare at Xander while trying to decide if the should run out the door or run up the stairs.  She chose the stairs.  Angelus immediately took off after her.  When she reached the top, she spied the obligatory heavy object at the top of the stairs…a grand piano on wheels in this case.  So, she pushed it.  Angel ran back down the stairs when he saw it coming.  Spike doubled over in laughter.  Once the stairs were clear again, he ran back up them.

"Dawwwwn!" Angelus cooed.  "I can hear your little heart beating!"  He stopped at Joyce's bedroom door and opened it with a flourish.  Instead of finding Dawn, he found Willow standing in the midst of burning lace.  "Oh, it's you, Willow."

Willow's head snapped to the intruder, her eyes large black pools.  It was really kind of nasty looking.  "Angel, what are you doing here?"

"I'm here to kill you," he replied.

"Why?" Willow asked.

"Because I'm evil again."

"Excuse me?" Willow cried.

"I'M EVIL!"

Willow wagged her finger at the vampire.  "I don't think so, pal.  There is only enough room for one evil person in this story and I'm it, bitch!  Sorry, you're gonna have to go!"

Angelus began to object, but Willow quickly mumbled something in Latin and snapped her fingers.  A light passed through his eyes.  He stumbled backward out of the room and lumbered into Dawn's bedroom door.  Once inside he fell to his knees.  Dawn heard some really sappy music from above and squealed when Angel fell.  She charged at him with her stake and plunged it into his chest right as Angel started to cry.  He uttered out her name.

"Dawn, I got my soul back."  Then he turned to dust.  Dawn covered her mouth with her hand.  The sappy music swelled to a crescendo and Dawn fell to her knees.

"Oh, God!  Why have you forsaken me!" she cried to the heavens.  Dawn blinked.  "Where did that come from?" she asked herself.

Dawn descended the stairs in a daze.  Tears were streaming down her cheeks, and snot was dribbling from her nose, running over her chin and soaking into the neckline of her sweater.

Buffy, noticing her sister's situation rushed to her aid.  "Dawn, what's wrong?"

"By nobe won tov ru'in," she answered.

"Huh?"

Dawn wiped her nose and half her face on her sweater sleeve.  It was now stuck to her arm.

"My nose won't stop running," she clarified.  "Oh, and I killed Angel."

"Well, good for you Nibblet," Spike told her.  Xander cursed under his breath and handed Spike a twenty.

Dawn sniffed.  "He got his soul back."

"Bugger," Spike scowled, then handed the twenty over to Halfrek.

"I felt so bad about it."

"Shit."  Halfrek handed the twenty over to Anya.

"I should have known," Dawn continued.  "He wasn't even wearing the leather pants or making squeaky noises anymore."

"Dammit!"  Anya passed the money to Buffy.

"But I'd staked him through the heart before I even realized it."

"Well, shit."  Now Sophie was twenty dollars richer.

Dawn's trip down memory lane went on.  "And he just looked at me and started to cry."

"Motherfucking cocksuckers!" Sophie swore.  She handed to money to Clem.

"Maybe later, baby," he reassured her.

"There wasn't even time for a last 'I love you'."

"Oh, well."  Clem walked over and dropped the twenty on Janice's decomposing body.

Dawn quickly became hysterical.  "I didn't even tell him to close his eyes!" she sobbed.

"Ha!" Xander taunted triumphantly.  He skipped over to the decomposing body.  Not Tara's, which is still outside, but Janice's, and reclaimed his twenty dollars.  "Take that you dirty whore!"  He gave her body a kick before returning to Anya's side.

Suddenly a blazing fireball burst through the window and got glass all over the place in a blaze of glory and bounced off the wall, leaving an Angel shaped scorch mark on the wall.

"Holy crap!" Buffy cried.  She went over to examine the Angel shaped mark on the wall and stared at the puddle of a mess on the ground.  "What do you suppose it is?"

"Dammit," Xander grumbled, passing the twenty to Dawn.

Dawn shoved the twenty in her cleavage which was actually way more ample than Buffy's, but not quite as ample as Tara's…ahem.  She ran to the Angel shaped body on the floor and knelt down beside it.

"MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKERS!"

The gang looked at Sophie.

"What?" she asked.  "That wasn't me this time."

"I wonder where it came from," Buffy commented.

"Hey, Dipshits.  I'm out here!"

Everyone walked to the broken window and saw a little girl with long, curly brown hair standing in the yard.

"Honey!  It's a midget!" Anya exclaimed.

"Oh!  She's so cute!" Buffy cooed.

The little girl stood there with an all too innocent look on her annoying dimpled face.

"That's not a midget, Anya," Xander replied.  "She's almost as tall as Buffy, I think."

"Oh.  So is Buffy a midget?" Anya looked confused.

"Some would say yes," Spike answered.

Buffy punched Spike in the stomach since her stature kept her from being able to reach Spike's nose.  "I'm not a midget!  Everyone else is just really tall!"

"Listen to me you dumbasses!  I don't need a vampire with a soul polluting up my home.  If I see him here one more time, I'm gonna come back and personally bitch slap every single one of you!"  With that said, she disappeared in a fiery red puff.

"Who was that?" Dawn asked while she continued to kneel next to the recently returned from hell, recently resouled Angel shaped body.

"It was a vampire!" Buffy exclaimed.

"It was a zombie!" Halfrek supplied.  Everyone looked at her dubiously.  "What?  Maybe she was just a very well-preserved, very rude zombie!"

"It was a demon," Spike argued.

"It was Satan," Xander said.  Buffy looked at Xander doubtfully.  Spike scowled at him.  Halfrek wondered how Xander knew Satan.

"Satan?" Buffy questioned.  "She looked like that little Pepsi girl to me."

Xander nodded.  "Yeah.  Satan.  Who else would endorse Pepsi-Cola?"

Everyone in the room shrugged.

Angel opened his eyes and peered up at Dawn, who was crying profusely over his undead body.  If he needed to breathe, he probably would have drowned in the ocean of Dawn's tears.  Unfortunately for him he didn't drown because when he opened his eyes, the light bouncing off Dawn's ultra shiny hair blinded him temporarily.

"Angel?" Dawn asked in a near whisper.

Angel grunted.  He reached up to touch Dawn's face, but in his moment of temporary blindness misjudged his aim and accidentally poked Dawn's eye.

"Ow!" Dawn complained, covering her eye.

Suddenly his vision returned.  He saw Dawn covering her eye and immediately felt guilt for already physically harming a fellow supernatural being.  He sat up slowly with a look of angst, which also made him look constipated, and gasped.  "Dawn!  Oh, I'm so sorry," he choked out.  "I'm sorry for all the horrendous pain I put you through while I was very soulless.  Can you ever forgive me?"

"Uh, yea," Dawn replied.

Angel bit his lip.  "I love you, Dawn."

"I love you too, Angel," Dawn responded.

Xander started to make gagging sounds.  Anya slapped him on the back of his head.

"I'm so sorry about your friend Janice," Angel spoke solemnly.

Dawn frowned and then brightened.  "Oh yeah!  Hmm.  That's okay.  I didn't like her that much anyway.  She had a really big forehead.  She also looked too much like that girl from _General Hospital_."

Angel raised an eyebrow.  "Oh her!  I know who you're talking about.  Zander's ho!"

Anya gasped loudly and before Angel could say "No!  Not you!" D'Hoffryn appeared and gave Anya her powers back.  Anya then grabbed the rolling pin of doom and hurled it at Angel's chest, immediately dusting him.  Xander quickly grabbed Anya's amulet from around her neck and smashed it.  It was too late though.  Angel was a pile of ashes again.

"Nooo!" Dawn cried.  "He wasn't talking about you!  He was talking about the Zander from _General Hospital_!"

"Oh," Anya replied.  "Sorry.  I tend to act without thinking first.  My bad."

"Anya, you didn't need your powers back for that," Halfrek chided.  "You were always D'Hoffryn's favorite."

"That's because I had sex with him."  Anya covered her mouth as her eyes widened and for once wished she wasn't so forthright.

"What?" Xander asked.

"Nothing," Anya replied quickly.

No one dared to argue for fear they might have to see Anya's ugly demon face again.  Luckily, D'Hoffryn had yet to return.

Everyone in the room looked around with lost looks on their faces.  They waited and waited.  Out of boredom they decided to play an exciting game of Kick the Corpse.  Then they got bored again and began twiddling their thumbs.

"Where the hell did the plot go?" Dawn asked.

Xander sighed.  "I don't know, but all this waiting is making me rather hungry."

"I hate waiting," Anya mumbled.

"Wanna have sex?" Spike asked Buffy.

No one else heard.

"I don't think you've had sex in the basement yet," Xander said.

"Huh?" Halfrek asked.

Buffy and Spike didn't hear Xander though.

"This sucks," Sophie complained.

Xander picked up a conveniently placed magic book that was on the kitchen counter and most likely added for lack of plot formation because writers can do that no matter how petty or annoying it may seem to everyone else.  He opened up to a random page and began reading aloud.  And we all know what happens when Xander reads Latin out loud.

Suddenly there was a loud thump and a crash as an Angel shaped body fell from the ceiling to the floor, causing a violent earthquake throughout Sunnydale.  Many lives were lost, but that is not important to the story.

"Holy crap!" Buffy cried, running into the room half-dressed and examining the Angel shaped body on the floor.  "What do you suppose it is?"  No one noticed the fact she looked like she'd had wild monkey sex.  Of course, no one noticed that she'd left the room either.  She looked up and saw the hole in her ceiling.  "Dammit, Xander!  I can't leave you alone for five minutes without you destroying my house!"

Everyone turned to glare at Xander.  No one questioned the fact he'd just resurrected someone without the blood of a baby deer or a snake coming out of his mouth.  It's kinda like how they never questioned how he got the magical know how to summon a dancing demon.  Or how his broken bones heal in less than a week.  Or how he can get hit with a magical troll hammer six times and still not have a concussion.  Whatever.

"MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKERS!"

"Someone has been watching way too much _Psycho Beach Party_," Xander commented.

"Nice deduction, Starcat," Spike snarked.

Everyone looked at Sophie.

"Guys, I only said it once!  Take your minds of repeat, please!" Sophie said.

"Over here you bloody morons!"

The gang looked at the shiny man standing next to the Angel-shaped body on the ground.

"Did one of you lose this?" he asked, prodding it with his foot.

"Dude, it's the metatron!" Jonathon exclaimed.

"Where did you come into the story?" Buffy asked.

"Oh.  Sorry."  He shapeshifted into a lamp.

"Yeah, yeah.  I'm the metatron."

"You look like Snape from _Harry Potter_," Dawn said.

"He looks like the guy from_ Galaxy Quest_," Spike added.  "By Grapthar's hammer…"

"Please shut up!" the metatron cried.  "We don't need a vampire in Heaven, thank you very much.  I don't care if his name is Angel."  With that, he disappeared in a bright light.

"Wow.  People come and go so quickly here," Sophie exclaimed.

A multitude of shrill little laughters echoed through the room causing everyone to once again look around in confusion.

Xander shuddered.  "Munchkinland!"

"What's wrong with Munchkinland? Buffy asked, somewhat offended since Glinda had appointed her queen of Munchkinland after their leader was killed by the Wicked Witch of the West.  Or maybe that was just a silly dream.

"They look like miniature clowns."  Xander shuddered again.

Dawn gently shook Angel.  "Angel?  Snookums?  Wake up!  C'mon, sweetie!  Wake up."  She sighed.  "Angel."  She rolled her eyes.  "Angel!"  Frustrated, she bitch slapped the unconscious, undead vampire.  "Wake up, Soul Boy!"  She slapped him again, leaving a rather large red mark on his pale cheek.  "WAKE UP!"

"Damn it, bitch!" Angel cried, opening his eyes. 

"Oh Angel!" Dawn exclaimed, hugging the soulful, angsty vampire around the neck.

Angel pried his shiny haired girlfriend from around his neck and sat up with a look of anger, or was he brooding again?  "Was that necessary, Anya?"

Anya shrugged.  All this excitement had made her horny.

Dawn sighed loudly.  Angel turned to look at her.  She shook her head.  I'm sorry.  Maybe I should have told you to close your eyes when I dusted you're the first time.  Anya should have too."

"No way!" Angel cried.  "Every time someone tells me to close my eyes, I die!  It all started with Darla.  She told me to close my eyes and then turned me into a vampire.  Then Buffy told me to close my eyes.  Of course, that got me sent to a hell dimension for a long time.  So no.  When someone tells me to close my eyes, something bad happens," Angel babbled on, still sounding broody.

"But two bad things happened, Angel!" Dawn squealed at a high pitch, bursting the bulb of the Jonathon lamp, which served no purpose in the story to begin with, so will hopefully never be spoken of again.  "First," Dawn continued," I drove a stake through your undead heart, sending you to hell until Satan personally brought you back.  Then Anyanka hurled a rolling pin of doom through your chest, sending you to heeea-ven because of your now soulful nature even though you were soulful the first time we killed you off too, but the metatron from _Dogma_ brought you back to us again."  Dawn was beginning to turn blue in the face from her babble fest.  Angel's head was starting to spin (not literally though as that's a sign of demonic possession like in _The Exorcist_ or _Repossessed_, just the figurative sense).

"Wow, Angel, you've died like four times.  That is twice as many as Buffy.  You too were brought back from heeea-ven, but we aren't forced to hear about it from you," Anya pointed out.

"Well, heeea-ven isn't all it's cracked up to be anyway.  They refused to let me wear my leather duster.  Some sort of official rule of heeea-ven or something like that," Angel replied.

Everyone turned to look at Buffy.  She glared, then punched Spike in the nose (he was sitting in a chair, which made it possible for her to reach his nose), blaming this whole mess on him because she was just using him anyway.  Stupid bitch.

After Buffy's tirade stopped, Spike sighed and yawned.  "Buffy, I love you."

"You're beneath me!  You're evil!  You don't have a soul!  You can't love!" Buffy hollered.

Spike muttered a curse under his breath and pulled a convenient flask of alcohol from his duster.  Once the smell reached Buffy's nose, she fell to the floor in a very drunken stupor.  Go figure.  Smiling, Spike screwed the top back on his flask and stuck it back into a mysterious pocket. 

"Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere, William?" Halfrek asked, messing with her hair.

"Hmmm…" He examined the "justice" demon closely, and she was in human face.  Still, the fact she looked exactly like Cecily was way over his head, and he remained oblivious.  "No?"  He shrugged and turned his attention back to the drunken, frisky, twice dead, pulled from heeea-ven Slayer who was pawing at his washboard abs.  No one in the room noticed.

"Get a room, guys!" Xander bellowed.

"Who are you talking to, Xander?" Anya asked.

Xander shook his head.  "Never mind."


	3. New Level of Stupidity

_When History Repeats Itself_by Kelley and Shelley

**Summary: **Dawn's birthday party trudges onward. Dawn and Angel are "just friends." Buffy and Spike continue their sexual escapades. Xander performs a resurrection without the blood of a baby deer. Willow loses control. Giles loses his bendy straw.

**A/N:** Wow, when is the last time we updated this story? We currently live in separate places. Shelley lives in Murray, KY, and Kelley lives in Nashville, TN. This updating thing might take longer or something.

**A/N: **I finally found this chapter and decided to add to the story. Maybe we'll finish it one day. Please review. I bet lots of nice reviews will encourage us to work harder on updating. No flames, please.

**Disclaimer:** Our aspirations to own Spike and Xander have not happened as of yet, but we're still working on it. Alas, Joss still owns them, and we can only use them for our "creative" purposes (depending on your definition of creative).

**Rating:** Uh...potty mouths, frequent sex, raising the dead, soulful vampires using humans as shields...I think this calls for like R...or M. Whatever the rating guide says. I don't really know.

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**Chapter 3**

After Angel's re-resurrection, the gang decided a card game was in order. Xander got the cards, Anya got the poker chips, and Dawn asked Xander if he thought Buffy and Spike would want to play.

Xander shook his head. "No, Dawn Patrol, I believe Spike and Buffy are playing their own game right now in the basement."

"Oh, maybe they'll let me play," Dawn said.

"Uh, no, Dawn."

"Have they forgotten I exist?"

"Quite possibly," Xander replied. "Speaking of not existing, where is Willow? We haven't seen her since chapter one…uh, since the party started. We need to tell her Tara is dead."

"Last time I saw her, she was about to do something drastic because she got tired of the fugly lace outfits in her closets," Dawn added.

"Hmm. Speaking of fugly, have you seen some of Spike's shirts lately? No wonder Buffy keeps ripping them off," Xander commented.

"Yeah, they are fugly. Maybe Buffy's fashion sense is rubbing off on him. Do you think maybe to convince herself she hates him, she's giving him those awful shirts just to be mean?"

Evil laughter echoed throughout the house.

"Okay, who had sex with Angel this time?" Anya asked.

"I'm right here, guys!" Angel exclaimed.

At the mention of sex, Buffy and Spike came up from the basement. Buffy was wearing one of those skimpy Swedish milkmaid costume things, and Spike was wearing tweed and glasses.

"What were you guys doing down there?" Dawn asked her twice dead now alive sister.

"Um, I was milking Sp – a cow," Buffy answered.

"And I was impersonating Giles," Spike added.

"I'm not saying a word," Xander said quietly.

"NO MORE LACE!" Evil Willow boomed, floating down the stairs.

"Oh no!" Anya cried. "She fell off the wagon! Quick! Someone find some bottled water, pronto!"

Angel dragged the giant new freezer Buffy bought for Willow's bottled water supply into the living room. He opened it and grabbed six bottles of water at a time.

"I don't want that shit!" Willow exclaimed. She used magic to throw Angel backwards (obviously since she's no slayer after all).

"Willow! What happened?" Xander asked his black eyed best friend.

"I can't take it anymore!" Willow answered. "It just won't stop!"

"What won't?" Anya asked.

"The pain!"

The group nodded sympathetically, understanding her pain.

"Things will get better," Buffy offered.

"No! They never will. Do you know how badly that lace is chafing my skin? It hurts! I've gone through two bottles of lotion this week!"

Dawn frowned. "Uh, are we on the same page here, Willow?" She looked at everyone else around her.

"Why do I have to wear this awful lace? My clothes are so ugly! What happened to plain old jeans and a t-shirt? I look like a freak!"

Willow! You must stop this tirade! You're the only person in history with a bad magic addiction," Angel pleaded.

"No! The only way to stop the lace is to end the world!"

"Oh, hell no!" Sophie exclaimed.

Everyone ran to the freezer and grabbed water bottles. They then ran at the not so sober witch and started beating her with the water bottles. Repeatedly.

Once the witch with the magic addiction fell into a state of unconsciousness, the group backed off. They dropped their water bottles and placed Willow on the couch. They covered her with a blanket and grabbed all the ropes and chains they could find and practically attached Willow to the couch. They'd forgotten that Willow would most likely wake up drained of all her powers.

"Now what?" Dawn asked.

Everyone looked around with stupid expressions on their faces. After a moment they grew quite bored and went back into the kitchen to play Kick the Corpse with Janice's still lifeless body. That got boring fast so they started wandering around in circles like morons. That got old after a minute as well.

"What's going on?" Sophie asked.

"The stupid authors lost the stupid plot again," Xander mumbled.

Angel walked over to the lamp with the broken bulb in the kitchen. "Where'd this come from?"

"Oh, that's the Jonathon lamp," Buffy replied. "Dawn broke him."

"Hey!" Dawn cried. "He was useless to the plot anyway!"

"Can we just get on with the story!" Anya cried.

"Fine," the authors yelled.

Angel grabbed Dawn's hand and they went to sit on the couch, but had to find somewhere else to sit since Willow was chained to it.

"So, we're still friends, right?" Dawn asked.

Angel glanced at Dawn with solemn eyes. "Yes."

"This is so hard, Angel."

"I know, Dawn," he whispered, touching her cheek.

They started making out, forgetting they had just decided to be friends.

"Whoa!" Xander cried when he spotted the lustful couple sucking on each other's tonsils. "Did we not learn our lesson the first time?" he asked.

Angel and Dawn pulled apart quickly.

"Uh, um…we're just friends," Dawn said.

"That was an accident," Angel added. "We're not like that anymore."

"Right," Spike scoffed. "You're not friends. Bloody hell. Don't make me do the 'you'll never be friends' speech again. Why don't you idiots ever listen to me? Are you all daft?"

Suddenly Xander realized what was going on. It didn't take him much longer than Spike to figure it out. "Don't worry," he whispered to the Billy Idol clone. "He should be leaving soon."

"Won't be soon enough," Spike replied. "You'd think a two hundred forty three year old would have gotten over his teen girl fetish by now."

Any further comments Xander could make about Spike's newfound love of tweed were halted by a knock at the door.

"Did you know there is a body in your bushes?"

"Oh no!" Anya cried. "We're all going to die!"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Buffy asked. Then she went back to adjusting her Swedish milkmaid top so it would accentuate her cleavage. So far nothing was working. "It's just someone at the door. It's probably just another Bible salesman."

"But no one ever knocks on the door!" Anya continued. "It has to be for evil. Unless…Giles? Is that you?" she screamed.

"Oh yes, quite," a British voice answered from the other side of the closed door. "Don't worry about the door. I'll just let myself in."

Buffy's eyes widened in horror. "No!" she cried.

Giles paused halfway in the door at the sound of her voice screaming from the hallway. He shrugged. "WHAT?" he yelled on the slim chance Buffy had some important information to offer him.

"STAY OUTSIDE OR YOU'LL BE TRAPPED!"

"Giles stepped back out the doorway. "Oh dear. Thank you for the warning. So, you're all quite trapped in there?"

Dawn pulled her tongue out of Angel's ear. "We're trapped in here?" she asked. The only answer she got was a sympathetic look from Xander, which turned to disgust when she went back to working on her "friendship" with Angel.

"Yes, we're all stuck in here until someone figures a way out of this," Buffy explained dramatically. "And Willow has turned evil. She's chained to the couch right now."

"Yeah, and I had sex with Angel," Dawn continued as the walked over to the door, dragging Angel with her. "Which was the best present ever! Well, until he turned evil that is."

"You slept with a souled vampire on your birthday?" Giles sighed. "How very original of you."

Buffy started fuming. Someone was paying attention to Dawn instead of her. That show-stealing wench! The Slayer belted her one in the mouth.

"Yeah yeah, really interesting. So Angel got his soul back and Dawn sent him to hell." Angel's face clouded (but didn't rain) when he thought about his unremembered remembered memories of his time in hell.

"But he came back!" Dawn argued in her defense. "And I didn't run away!" she added, yanking the diminutive Slayer's bleached (but not Spike bleached) locks.

Buffy pushed her shiny-little-energy-ball-turned-shiny-happy-teenage sister to the floor. "But then Angel called Anya Xander's ho and Anya killed him again."

"I wasn't talked about Anya!" Angel yelled.

Everyone stared at the soulful, grumpy vampire in shock. Buffy pulled a stake out of…well we don't want to know where she hid it in that skimpy outfit, and we figured you didn't either.

"Stay away from my boyfriend!" Dawn cried. "Uh…I mean friend. Good friend who just happens to be a boy!"

Xander snickered from where he stood leaning against the wall by the stairs.

"Please, Buffy, do continue," Giles said in an effort to prevent unneeded staking before he was caught up on the plot (what plot) of the story so far.

"Oh, sorry, Giles. Where was I?"

"I had just killed Angel for calling me a ho," Anya supplied.

Angel scowled, but refrained from speaking this time.

"And then the strangest thing happened. While Xander was reading from this book, Angel fell through the ceiling."

"What?" Giles exclaimed, staring at Xander. He actually paid attention to what was going on.

Xander shrugged. "I was bored. I didn't mean to."

"How did Willow go evil? And where is Tara?" Giles asked.

At the mention of Tara, Buffy's eyes overflowed with tears. Spike, upon seeing the fragile (read: delusional psychotic) slayer so seemingly vulnerable, rushed to comfort her. He walked up to her and enfolded her in his arms. Buffy repaid his kindness with a kick to the nuts.

Spike crumbled to the ground. "But Buffy, I love you!" he squeaked, his voice reaching new heights of falsetto.

Everyone took a moment to try to realize what exactly just happened while Xander went to the kitchen. Spike writhed on the floor in agony. Several seconds ticked by and no one seemed to make the connection. Losers.

Xander reentered the room and tossed the injured vampire and icepack. "Look on the bright side, Blondie. At least you won't be needing those. You can't reproduce."

Angel cleared his throat meaningfully. Xander sighed. "Unless you're a vampire freak of nature."

Dawn cleared her throat, looking pointedly at Spike. Xander took the hint.

"All right, fine! Unless you're Angel which should tell you to use protection, Dawn." He tossed her a box of condoms.

"Ooh! Strawberry-flavored!" Dawn cheered.

Buffy, sensing the change in focus began to wail loudly, tears streaming down her face and forming a small puddle at her feet. Xander handed her a box of tissues.

Buffy took a tissue and dabbed at her eyes and daintily wiped her nose. The she shoved the box into her shirt. Everyone looked at her rectangular cleavage in wonderment.

"Buffy, do please take that box out of your shirt and tell me what is going on."

Buffy immediately stopped crying, happy that she was the center of attention again. "Tara died," she said cheerfully. "That's her body in the bushes."

"Don't you think we should call the police?" Sophie asked, rejoining the story.

"No!" Buffy shouted. Angel has to dismember her corpse and take the pieces to the far reaches of the Earth. That way she can't end the world."

Spike smacked the Slayer on the back of the head. "We already went over that you stupid bint!"

"Tara!" Giles cried. "Now I'll never get to have that threesome with her and Miss Rosenberg!"

Booyah!" Spike, Dawn, and Giles all shouted at once.

Buffy finally recovered from the shock of being physically struck by her mortal enemy turned reluctant ally, turned drunken Love's Bitch, turned mortal enemy, turned reluctant ally, turned obsessed Fool for Love, turned butt monkey sex slave.

"But Spike," she whined. "You love me!"

Spike rolled his eyes. "I'm beneath you! I'm evil! I don't have a soul! I can't love!" he droned mockingly.

Buffy threw herself into Spike's arms. She managed to rip off his jacket, shred his shirt to ribbons, and loudly unzip his fly at the same time. Must be a slayer thing.

The two went upstairs, hitting, punching, slapping, and groping all at the same time.

"Dear Lord!" Giles gasped from where he stood outside the door.

"Boy, when Buffy loses something, she'll do anything to find it, won't she?" Anya remarked.

All of a sudden the gang heard a gasp, a squeal, a thump and three loud bangs as Buffy and Spike fell from the attic to the basement a la Smashed.

Xander winced. "There's no way I'm fixing that."

A sound came from the basement. "Oh, Spike! No. More. False. Copper. Piping! Ooohh!"

Xander shuddered. "On that note…Giles, how's it been?" Xander stepped outside to talk to the Watcher.

"Xander! I thought you were all trapped in the house!" Giles exclaimed.

"Oh, that." Xander waved his hand dismissively at the doorframe. "We're not stuck in there. That's already happened once this season, er year."

"Then why is Buffy so insistent that I'll get trapped if I enter?"

"Because the only thing she listens to anymore are her raging hormones."

Giles sputtered. "Why not inform anyone else then?"

Xander gave Giles a look. "When has anyone ever listened to me?"

Giles shrugged. "I guess you have a point there, Xander."

"So, need anything while I'm out here, G-Man? A book? Tea? Some scones?"

"Why thank you," Giles said, taking the items from the young man. "You're certainly being a gracious host."

Xander shrugged. "Well, what else am I going to do while Buffy and Spike are having sex?"

Giles stared at him blankly for a moment, then burst out laughing. Xander joined him. It was good to have someone back that realized what was going on with everyone.

"On that note, I'll go back inside and make stupid, meaningless jokes now. See ya, Giles."

Xander headed over to the couch where he saw that Willow was starting to wake up. He handed her a bottle of water, then realized that her arms were still chained to the couch. So, he took out a bendy straw, and put it in the bottle, and stuck the straw in her mouth. Didn't want her going into withdrawal after all.

"That was my bendy straw you cold, heartless bitch!" Giles cried from where he sat on the porch drinking his tea and eating his scones.

"What!" Buffy shouted from the basement.

"Wasn't Buffy upstairs just a moment ago?" Dawn asked. Everyone ignored her.

"Not you!" Giles shouted back. "Although…" he shrugged and let the opportunity for insult slip by. "Go back to your sex!"

Buffy happily obliged.

Willow, who hadn't heard a word of Buffy and Giles' exchange, looked up at Xander. "What happened? What's going on? Why am I chained to the couch?"

"You finally got tired of your wardrobe and went a little crazy. You tried to kill us all, so we pelted you with water bottles and chained you up. That's about it. Want some more water?"

"Uh, ok," Willow answered accepting some more water. "But where's Tara? Every time I have a physical or emotional crisis, she's there for me." Willow looked at Xander. "She kind of replaced you that way."

Xander couldn't meet Willow's eyes. How was he going to tell her about Tara? Better yet, how could he tell her and keep her from killing him after he told her?

Willow paled. "Oh, Goddess! Something's happened to Tara, hasn't it? If she's dead, I don't know what I'll do. I might just go crazy and go on a mad, sadistic, dark magic killing spree!"

Xander smiled at Willow nervously. He could do this, he told himself. He could break this horrible news to her. Then why wasn't he speaking?

Willow scowled at his unanswering visage. Then she whipped out her most deadly weapon, The Resolve Face. All of Xander's courage fled in an instant. "I'll be right back, Willow."

Xander ran to the coffee table, picked up the still conveniently placed book, opened to a random page, and began reading aloud the Latin written there. When Xander heard Giles' scream of terror, he turned to see Tara burst through the front door, much the same way Buffy always burst through the door of Spike's crypt.

"Did you know that my body was in the bushes?" she asked, one hand on her hip, the other picking a few leaves out of her hair.

"Yes!" the whole house seemed to shout.

"Tara!" Willow shouted in delight from where she was still chained up on the couch. Tara eyed the chains appreciatively.

"Now we can have that threesome!" Spike, Dawn, and Giles all said at once, even though Spike was still in the basement. A loud smack was heard as Buffy brought her undead, soulless, yet somehow not evil enough to lose audience sympathy lover back to the present goings on. There was no way she was going to let her well-endowed sex slave anywhere near the two witches.

Xander and Tara unchained Willow and the two Sapphic witches settled into the couch. Neither questioned the fact that Xander had resurrected someone. Again. Still with no use of baby deer blood or puking up a snake. Though Tara did offer him a smile as thanks. Xander handed them a book of spells (heh, heh) before going to see what Anya was doing.

Angel looked over at Willow and Tara and saw how happy they were on the couch. He also wondered when they were going to get a room or if he was going to get a free show. But what he really noticed was how happy the two were together. Yeah. Right.

He looked over at Dawn. Her tongue went into his eyeball since he forgot she was still licking his ear. He blinked a few times to clear his vision. He saw Dawn sitting there, a lustful gleam in here eye, and realized that while they could make out until the end of they world, they'd never be truly happy. He sighed heavily as The Angst overtook him.

"Why are you looking at me like that, Butthead?" Dawn asked.

Angel blinked. Oh yeah. Never perfectly happy. He composed his face to look as guilt ridden as possible. He ran his hand through his hair and frowned at how flat it was starting to get. Then he looked back at Dawn and forced himself to focus on what he was brooding about first. He could worry about his hair later.

"Dawn, I know that we love each other, and that you're a much better…kisser than your sister was at your age, but we can never live truly happily ever after. Since we can't just love each other and not have sex, I have to go."

"What? You're leaving me?"

Angel looked at Dawn and paused. She wasn't crying and falling apart like Buffy had done. In fact, she looked kind of…pissed off. And vengeful. And quite murderous. She took after Spike that way.

Angel suddenly cowered in fear. "I have to go…to the bathroom. I need to pee."

Dawn looked at him strangely as he bolted for the bathroom at lightning speed.

Angel looked into the mirror and gave his non-existent reflection a pep talk. "Okay, Angel. You can do this. You were the Scourge of Europe for over a hundred years. You can break up with a sixteen year old girl."

Angel put on what he thought was his resolve face and lumbered out the bathroom door. He walked down the stairs and headed toward Dawn, but at the last minute decided to grab Xander and use him as a human shield.

"Hey!" Xander cried as Angel dragged him away from his conversation with Anya and Halfrek. "Hallie was just about to tell me the secret of the universe!"

Angel slapped Xander upside the head. "Shut up and protect me!"

Angel strode back over to Dawn still holding Xander in front of anything vital. "Now Dawn, I know this is hard, but I have to leave you. And not just to go to the bathroom."

"What?" Dawn gasped.

"He's breaking up with you," Xander informed her. "For your own good, not because he's too much of a horn dog to be around you and not have sex with you."

"What the hell?" Dawn shouted. "You let us sit around all this time and make out and then you all of a sudden decide that it's over?"

Angel shrugged from behind Xander. "Uh, yeah."

Dawn's face contorted in fury. "Then you better get out of here in the next five seconds before I decide dusting you is worth having to drag out the vacuum cleaner and clean up afterwards." Oh yeah, definitely some of Spike's influence there.

Angel ran up the stairs, keeping hold of Xander as he went. He got to the top and patted Xander on the back. "Thanks for the help, man," he told him.

Then he pushed him down the stairs as he continued to escape to the depths of the second floor.

Xander tumbled down to the bottom of the stairs. After he came to a stop, he stood up angrily and brushed himself off. A little stumble like that didn't hurt him. He'd been through from Buffy's bedroom window before and gotten right back up, after all. "And everyone wonders why I never liked you," he grumbled. "Bastard!"

"Get out, Get out, GET OUT!" Dawn shouted.

Everyone stared at her. She shrugged. "Well, I hadn't said it in at least half and hour. People were starting to wonder." She went to the couch for comfort from Willow and Tara, but not in a gay way.

Suddenly a scream and a crash was heard as an Angel shaped body fell through the Buffy and Spike shaped hole made in the floor and into the basement.

"Ow! Bloody hell! Get off!" Spike shouted.

"Oh! A little to the left, Angel," Buffy demanded. "Oooh! That's better."

Spike, thoroughly disgusted that Buffy wanted Angel in their little tryst, shoved Angel off of them. The two of them chased him up the stairs.

"Shut up," Angel yelled when he saw Xander laughing at him. "Just shut up!" He stormed back up the stairs once again, this time being careful to avoid any conspicuous holes created from lovemaking.

"Great Scott!" Giles yelled when he spotted Buffy and Spike. Xander threw a roll of toilet paper at him.

Buffy blushed and tried to cover her scantily clad form. Spike just strutted around like the sweet transvestite that he was. Halfrek wolf whistled at the sight. Xander threw him his duster. The duster/negligee/fishnet ensemble worked nicely for him actually.

"Hey," Tara said, pointing to Buffy's bra/torn slip combo. "I have an outfit just like that!" That being said, she went back to being Dawn's mother figure. And Willow's too, come to think of it.

"Tara!" Buffy cried, just now noticing her body wasn't in the bushes any longer. "You're back from the dead! But how?"

Tara opened her mouth, intending to tell the story of how Xander brought her back from the dead out of fear of Willow's potential to break down and end the world in a fiery blaze of glory (not Glory) if something had happened to her significant other. But, Buffy, now that she had started her lament of happiness and questions, was blind to the fact there were actually answers to her questions. She was having a Monologue Moment and no one was going to stop her.

"How could you have come back from the dead? You're not a Slayer, like me, or a souled vampire, like Angel. You shouldn't be able to come back. You're too normal! Is this some sort of catch for being a lesbian?" Buffy paused for a moment, weighing the pros and cons of the imagined concept of lesbian-gained immortality versus never having wild monkey sex with Spike again. Mmm, Spike. Those eyes. That body. That sex drive! He'd been such a wonderful…distraction ever since she'd been pulled out of…

"Oh no!" Buffy suddenly gasped as her thought processes brought her to horrible conclusions. "You were pulled from heeea-ven! You must feel detached and alone, unable to reconnect and feel and real emotions." Another horrifying thought occurred to her. "You can NOT use Spike for sex!" She growled. She moved between the recently resurrected witch and her post-return security sex blanket.

Tara gave Spike a knowing look before turning back to Willow. Buffy stomped her white high-heeled pump in frustration because she was quickly losing control of the situation. Tara turned at the stomp and smirked at the diminutive blonde.

Buffy looked at Tara in shock. "Tara…you're smirking? You're not supposed to smirk. You're supposed to stammer through your sentences and be ultra supportive. You can't become snarky. That's Spike's job. And I can't have sex with both you and Spike."

"Eww! I heard that!" Angel yelled from upstairs.

"Shut your gob, you annoying poofter!" Xander and Spike yelled at the soulful, voluntarily exiled vampire simultaneously. The two looked at each other, not sure whether they should be happy or frightened that they shared the same thought.

Buffy was suddenly turned on by Xander's newfound snarkiness. She never noticed how alike their senses of sarcasm were before. And after returning from heea-ven, Tara seemed to have a snarky attitude of her own. Buffy wondered if it was wrong for Slayers to have orgies.

"Buffy does have a point, for once," Anya pointed out. "You're missing your shy nature, Tara. Why is that?"

Tara smiled cheerily. "I got a backbone while I was in heeea-ven instead of becoming whiny and anorexic looking like some people."

No one could argue with the Backbone Tara's statement. Of course, most people in the room were no longer using their higher brain functions either.

"Hey, anybody want to blow something up?" Xander asked out of nowhere.

The entire populace of the Summers' household turned and stared at the young man, blinking like cows on Prozac.

"Or not," Xander amended.


End file.
